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Hippocampus kuda, a proving of sea
horse
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| Provers Words,
Dreams and Symptoms |
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MIND/DREAMS: Dream: Standing at white bathroom sink. There’s something congealed blackish, stuck in the sink. When I turn the water on hard, it doesn’t wash down. The image alone recalls a vague sense of horror. #1, 13. Dream: Staying in a house with my friend, who is staying in a room upstairs. Suddenly there is a swimming pool and people are swimming, I want to be swimming too, but for some reason I am not. Then I am in the pool. A “cartoonish” brawny man is there with big, bulging eyes, and a mouth open like a fish’s, and a fine chain joining his inner cheek to the roof of his mouth (palate). Vocalizing a particular drum pattern for a certain type of music, but a piece of the pattern is missing. I know what the missing piece is and I provide it. My friend is swimming away to the other side of the pool, followed by a child, a girl, who is swimming behind her, just like a fish. Like ducks following the mother. Near me, and the “fishy” man, a woman and her daughter are doing a perfect demonstration of the Charleston in the bottom of the pool, under the water. #1, 15. Dream: Green, quiet, peaceful open space. Of old man becoming young. #2,00. Dream: The cast included Susan Sonz, Lynn N., and Rob a cameraman and me. I was in the back seat of a car with Susan- despairing about the lack of improvement in my life in spite of homeopathy and healings. Susan urged me to “give it a chance”. I saw a whole bunch of bagels that had been painted different colors and mounted in frames. They had little arms and legs and were made to look like little characters-- one was a kind of song and dance man with a walking stick and top hat. I said “oh no, look at all this stuff for sale”. Suddenly we were back out on the road with Rob trying to convince someone to let us film them. Rob, a thin blond guy in his 20’s was acting a little hyper and goofy and he had dyed his dirty blond hair to platinum. I mimed the words “acting out “ to Susan and Lynn who just joined us. The implication was that a homeopathic remedy had changed him. Rob took command of a big ferry that we were on now. Lynn hopped on and said “me too!” meaning a remedy had changed her too. But Lynn was perfectly normal so Susan said ”yeah, right!” We left, leaving people behind who had wanted to get on and i made up a song about thinking you’re going to get on a ship but you’re actually being left behind. The ferry began to go up a St. Louis highway that became a waterway and we were holding onto the wrong side of the railing. I said we would get stopped by the police if they see us so I scrambled to get over the railing to the deck. #2, 03. Dream: I was sleeping outside with my cat Charlie where a rugged-looking man in a kilt was noticing me. He came over to the side of the bed to say he recognized me from when he used to look in my window. This made me feel uncomfortable--as if he knew me. I was then in the backyard of an exclusive Scottish club, where all the men were dressed in green tartan kilts. I was sitting around at a table outside with the black (African-American) help who were complaining about their treatment-- no respect, no regular hours. One of the help worked at a graveyard (and had the logo of a mortuary on his shirt) and was complaining about his hours which made no sense considering his job. There was anger by the Scottish members that the help got to sit at such a nice table in the garden. There was pressure on me to move indoors and select a regular table- something I was resisting. I went inside where a couple of Scotsmen got really close to me and urged me to pick a table where I’d sit all the time. I said "I’d rather move about freely," which met with disapproval. #2, 03. Dream: Eighty five year old cousin whose face was distorted on a circus poster. #2, 06. Dream: Vacation spot with large, dark decrepit cabins. #2, 07. Dream: Being given a new vision by God. I was in a dark place, like a theatre. I was facing a large gray wall, like a curtain on a stage. On the upper right hand corner was a window cut out. Somehow I floated up and sat on the edge. We were sitting on the edge of a window into this new world—colors, lights, movement, objects were startling, gorgeous, kind of like an animated film. When I went into it, it was almost as if I were on a ferris wheel, or some kind of carnival ride, and I was with a girl. It was someone I knew as a child who is now an adult. A mechanical device came over with verbal instructions to look into it, like it was going to record or download all of our thoughts. I made a repeated “crossing “ motion with my hands and arms, and said “Deny, deny”, to protect us. I took away with me the feeling of a new way of seeing. So many of my previous dreams had been about trying to get somewhere. This dream was a little alarming, it had a malevolent side to it, but I had the presence of mind to use techniques to protect us. I came away with the feeling that God has given me a new way of seeing the world. #2, 07. Dream: I was in an office and a dog had peed all over the carpet. Someone attempted to clean it. leaving big, wet soapy circles on the rug. An actor showed up looking for his art sampler. It was up to me to find them for him. As he looked thru them, I could see the work-- swirling, masses of oils, photographed and printed on glossy paper, and then cut out. The colors were oddly muted, and I asked if this was intentional and he said yes. My long deceased dog Pete made an appearance. Lying on his back, balanced on the upper ridge of the couch. I found this quite amusing. Pete in this position was approached by a coterie of other dogs and cats. #2, 012. Dream: Of Betty, my dinner companion, who was piloting a plane and we almost crashed as we were coming into Washington DC but Betty got control of the plane and we landed safely. #2, 012. Dream: My neighbor Carlita was having a party and she threw her keys-- big old fashioned keys on a big ring-- out the window and I caught them tho they were intended for someone behind me. I was forced to explain in a humorous way why I’d been so eager to catch them- I thought they were intended for me. #2, 12. Dream: I was in a museum of broadcasting. There were lots of rooms but absolutely no broadcasting information. Lots of floral patterns, over done curtains, vases, ornate lampshades etc. #2, 012. Dream: a tiny little Indian girl- about 4 years old comes running down the street in an urban decrepit city, wearing a sari and scarves. She grabs a stranger in a panic. I’m looking for an adult and I see an Indian woman about 100 feet away looking concerned but not reacting. The child runs into traffic, and I’m horrified and worried. Cars are slamming on brakes, screeching tires etc. She makes it across, me running behind her, trying to catch her, and she grabs another stranger around the legs. #2, 012. Dream: I was at a Turner Classic Movies Theme Park with friends from college, one of whom was transformed into a scruffy, muscular, disheveled long haired guy. The park was very interesting- lots of cookie cutter type stores all in a row, each one dedicated to a different movie star. And there were big lavish stage shows with cartoon characters. Elaborate banks of TV screens with different movie clips, all intercut and relating to or commenting on each other. #2, 015. Dream: I was back in the mythical city of my dream (day 07) - this time with Jerry Seinfeld and Jennifer Lopez. we were hanging out and I was trying to park one of Jerry’s big old cars. During J-Lo’s concert I could see it was a very lavish show with dancers with veils and a full orchestra, and I was going thru a gift package for me and eating all the baked good- big single layer cakes with chocolate icing- one after another- sheer gluttony. Each was wrapped in see- through plastic with decorative elements. #2, 018. Dream: my mother , sister and I were in our old, big station wagon, sort of like a tank, having braking problems. I had to take over, and navigate the car through the flood waters and up the hills. Soon after I was creating and winning awards for pastel drawings that were favorites of Kirk Douglas, Lauren Bacall and others. I was very excited about my talent- and my newly won celebrity. #2, 019. Dream: I was working very hard in a busy hotel to administer healing remedies to Milton Berle but in all the confusion, someone packed my remedies away and I wasn’t able to help Milton. #2, 019. Dream: I was in some exciting international city and had mastered the ability to mentally rise up a small platform (bigger than a surfboard and thicker than a flying carpet) and “surf” over the city. I loved the excitement of what I was doing as well as the attention. (This dream is a companion to a series of dreams I’ve had repeatedly, and which on some level I believe to be true-- that through “mind over matter” I can raise my body off the ground, or breathe under water. In all cases, I am thrilled with my accomplishments). #2, 019. Dream: of broken concrete buildings. #3, 01. Dream: of ruins. #3, 02. Dream: of gardens. #3, 01, 02, 03, 04, 05. Dream: of party. #3, 04. Dream: of being asked to get married in parking lot while a bookstore was being robbed. The owner of the bookstore threw money at us to shut us up, then the police came and took them away. During the proposal, the suitor broke the ring, like it was a comedy show. #3, 04. Dreams: of being young again,
of when she was young- in her 20’s. Dream: of magic #3, 03. Dreams: unremembered #4, 01 and continuing. Dream: A very stiff, tall policeman. #5, 01. Dream: Soldier with a green beret, like an icon, or cardboard cut-out figure, very tall, like a statue. #5, 01. Dream: Of my dead mother in a labryinth-like building, grim and dark. Worried if she would accept and welcome me, and remember who I was. I wanted her to know who I was as a person. I see my mother as a two year old, but with an eighty year old face. She was giggling and giddy. I was very distressed at her behavior. I was deeply saddened that we were unable to make contact. I had the feeling as if my heart was breaking. #5, 01. Dream: Belfast for a visit, with my daughter. I had an appointment in an unfamiliar part of town. Night fell, we never did arrive at our destination. Accosted by a group of roughnecks with knives. We went around in circles. The feeling was of being stuck and hopeless, no way out- we kept passing by the same place over and over again. #5, 06. Dream: (half waking state)—I dreamt I couldn’t breathe, I was gasping and heaving in my own bed. No matter how deeply I inhaled the air wasn’t getting through. My mind was in a panic, my body was paralyzed. It was like my mother laboring to breathe before dying. #5, 07. Dreams: of robbers. #5, 14. Dream: Of a stone submarine. #6, 00. Dream: I dreamt of an ex-girlfriend who pursued me. She wanted to be with me, kiss me. My wife appeared and I refused the ex-girlfriend. 7, 03. Dream: Of my husband and I being threatened by 2 gunmen with guns being pointed directly at our heads through windows. I screamed “get down” but there was no place to hide. #8, 02. Dream: Of a lost dog that came to me and sat at my feet. Very well behaved. And I said “I want to take it home”. My husband said “OK”. Normally he would have said “It’s me or the dog.” #8, 04. Dream: Of dog (that was lost and found in real life). The dog greeted me and there was a lady in a car with 2 other gogs. She confirmed that this was her dog. In another scene, I was discussing with another woman that I wanted to take the dog home, but she told me it had parasites and would be deadly to pregnant women. (My step-daughter is pregnant). #8, 09. Dream: At a party, nursed a baby boy at my breast. Went to clean his soiled diaper. The excrement fell out and landed on the floor near the sink. It seemed that shit was all over. #8, 017. Dream: I went to Canada to visit people in mourning. There I found swatches of paint on a wall covering and I was discussing colors with a woman when my husband said it was not polite to talk business while paying a shiva call. So I went into the kitchen and saw a little dog and got on the floor to play with him. #8, 019. Dream: In house watching TV, with young man that I know, pleading for his father to return. In the next room I opened every closet and cats came out. Then in another room I saw a beautiful dog with long red hair and tail. A very mean guy tied the dog’s tail up. I screamed at him angrily and chased him away. I untied the dog’s tail. #8, 020. Dream: of my dog this time. #8 day 027. Dream: of a remington rifle. #9, 02. Dream: Being driven around in a yellow school bus from place to place. They ask how many of us are in recovery. Hundreds of my co-workers raise their hands, and so my previous guilt and shame was gone, and I felt empowered and emboldened. #10, 00. Dream: Outdoors on a bench and sidewalk playing with 3 dogs, one a small white dog maybe a toy poodle, and 2 medium brown dogs. I’m petting and hugging them and they love the attention and want to return it. #10 , 00. Dream: Indoors at night in a ballroom setting. Important people conducting shady business. I and a friend are eating dessert out of a very large glass bowl that we are sharing. It’s white and creamy, and then I realise that I love the little purple match box cars that I am eating, though I think that plastic might be hard to digest and I stop eating them. #10, 00. Dream: Very strange beach setting. Sky is strange. Perpetual sunset, very different colors. Feel almost as though I am on another planet. Like the Truman Story.There’s a house-like structure with lots of windows built right into the ocean. I look in and see a large fish, dolphin-like, but the head and body are all one shape. She is partly buried in the sand. I pet her and talk to her and look for signs of life. Then the water and sand shift and she falls apart like a shell. I take her top off, and inside are snake-like babies. They seem happy to be birthed and swim away and out all around me. They are neon orange. One of the windows is aquarium-like, and all the fish I can see are lighted with neon strips along various portions of their body. All colors- it’s beautiful. I move along and find a wall of wet sand taller than I am, about twelve feet tall. I climb up and get over the edge to find a wonderful ocean. I look out and see a bridge of sand extending to a small tiny island. There are two cars driving back from the island. I wait as the cars go by single file, and then I go out further. I lay down in the middle of the sand island and soak up the sun. After a while I feel something along my sides at my waist, coming from below me. It’s subtle at first and almost feels comforting. Then it changes and I start to become alarmed. I feel the edge of something coming up through the sand. It’s a swordfish with long round sharp serrated edges. Now it’s at least six inches long and I am panicking and telepathically calling for help. I’m terrorized and paralyzed with fear. That I cannot move and that there will be more of these coming. Suddenly a presence arrives that I can sense but cannot see and gently pulls me to the awareness that I can get up. I just had to let go of the fear. #10, 00. Dream: Of apartment complex, all big ground floor apartments with gardens. Very nice, pleasing, home-like. I was invited to share apartments with two different men. There were offices interspersed in the complex. I saw another woman ushering in a woman to her office as I walked by. #10, 01. Dream: Of man trying to kill his wife with electric cord around neck. #10, 03. Dream: A woman led me into a field where I realized I was in a Civil War situation. I could see the musket balls in slow motion, and see them hitting their targets. Very disturbing dream. #10, 06. Dream: Of numbers: #10, 09. Dreams: Of zombies. #10, 09. Dream: Of large building with lots of people. A working environment yet seems to be nightime. I overhear plans for an attack and now have information I shouldn’t. I want to warn people. Somehow others know I have this information and try to stop me. A sense of moving up past people all going the other way. As though swimming upstream. Feels futile, hopeless. #10,13. Dream: Of work environment with elaborate setting. Lots of people. High tech equipment- security cameras and cell-phones. Suddenly wants to leave, can’t find her way out, it’s like a maze. I see steps below and glass doors and water over the driveway. I don’t want to get trapped between the doors. I can’t breathe. I turn back and try to call for help on the cell phone. It doesn’t work, I panic. A woman touches my shoulder through a curtain, leads me to my friend R. who is in a large closet, changing into a uniform-his true colors. Cameras everywhere. We must hurry to get out. Gemstones all over the floor. Women are making bracelets and necklaces for a special charity. #10, 16. Dream: Of reaching and pulling up
from deep water an old treasure. Artifacts and decorated
pieces. Whole unbroken china dishes. Only one bigger bowl is damaged. I was
very excited. Then I was putting a ring on my left ring finger which was
part of the treasure. It was very old, and made from a dark, shiny material
like hematite. Suddenly, I heard music coming from the wall in front of
me, such a beautiful sound- beyond description, not from this world.
Every time I pulled the ring off my finger, the music stopped, and would start
immediately when I put the ring back on. This happened three or four times. The
wall in front of me didn’t have any devices on it, but there was some specific
design on the wall. Mostly in a dark, metallic color. People around me had been
witnessing the ring phenomenon and wanted to try the ring on, but it didn’t
work for them. At one point my ring
started to disintegrate into three pieces, and I tried to hold it together. I was in a lively green
outfit. I put an apron on, and the dress and the apron didn’t match.
The main feeling of this dream was the awesome feeling of the gift of the
music—“angelic.” I felt I had received an incredible spiritual gift. Dreams: Colorful #12, (many dreams). Dream: A group of people had a plan to kill me. No way to escape. Observed and hunted. Feeling hopeless. I had the freedom to go outside, but in a controlled environment. #12, 07. Dream: Of selecting dresses for a fancy occasion. Told I should have a long glittery dress. Instead I was wearing a leopard dress, so I went outside, found a different dress. While I was changing, a light came on and I was seen by one or two males standing across the street. I was deprived of privacy- I felt exposed. #12, 08. Dream: Of father. He was much younger. He was a minister going to marry someone. He was flirting with someone. I felt bad for my mother, but it validated why she divorced him. #13, 00. Dream: Of mother showing me her skin rash. #13, 00 Dream: Of not being able to arrive where I wanted to go. #13, 01. Dreams: Vivid. #13, 00. Dreams: Of animals, birds and cats. #13, 03. Dreams: Of babies. #13, 03. Dreams: Of dead relatives (mother- RS) #13, 03. Dreams: Of red haired people. #13, 03. Dream: Of amusement park with band on the stage. Lots of string instruments, mandolin, fiddle, cello. The music was melodic and "other-worldly”, and I was moved by it. I was cradling a blonde toddler while watching the band. The little baby I was holding became a disruptive little boy with a demon quality. My ex-husband came over to him and said in a booming voice, three things which I cannot remember. I wish I could remember those three things because they were important. Then another little blonde child, a beautiful calm child, turned to my husband and said- “Are you --- --- ---?” Then someone in the bandstand said “Cheeky little bastard isn’t he?” Another said- “He really is a bastard, you know”. He said his name was Neil. “Do you have a Mom and a Pop?”, and he slapped my face. It was a gentle reprimand. “You know I don’t”. He turned into a glowing black skinned boy with a three foot wide afro. His eyes were lit like neon. “No, I really didn’t know, I said. I would not have been so cruel to ask you if I had known.” #13, 04. Dream: Of witnessing a killing. The murderer calmly turned to me and told me that I would be next. I ran to an elevator to be safe and ended up in a pile of rubble with my head sticking up. The murderer said he would be back later to pour cement over me, but I wasn’t anxious about it. #13, 04. Dream: I dreamt I was in a “dorm-like” setting with many people to a room, and I was concerned about bathroom privacy. #13, 04. Dreams: Of needing to take care of people, but not succeeding very well. (RS) #13, 04. Dream: Wanted to sell my Chinese red cabinet. Went to the neighbors for help, instead they showed me some art they wanted to sell. Large oil painting, very blue, of the ocean. They wanted to cut it up, re-mount it and sell it as three separate paintings. #13, 05. Dream: Of the beach. #13, 07. Dream: Of dead mother in a hot tub with five fat old men. She was being very familiar with them, and she was in full view of everyone. My brother was very upset and said he had a stomach ache. I said to Mom “Don’t you ever think of the kids?” She got furious, and started hitting me back. I woke up, breathing really hard, with a stomach ache. #13, 08. Dream: Of being unable to reach my destination in a car. Every turn or exit got me further away from where I wanted to go. The little boy with me was a troublemaker. #13, 08. Dream: Sexual. Content unremembered. #13, 08. Dream: Of deep and large pool, very inviting. #13, 15. Dream: Family members, ex-husband,
mom. A lot of commotion, not a lot of good cheer. Went to a man’s apartment on
the beach. No furniture, just a lot of brightly colored bathroom rugs,
and a small straggly looking dog. I asked him the dog’s name and he
couldn’t remember. I was being playfully catty and said- “So what do you say to
him when you want to call him- here Dog, here Dog”. And I suggested he feed him raw meat to help
his hair loss. Dreams: Of friends and
relatives appearing younger that they are. Dreams: Of mystical elements. Children with neon eyes and psychic abilities. Being able to pluck a bird out of the sky. Flying cats and a benevolent woman. Otherwordly images. Of bright colors, particulary reds and blues. #13, (throughout the proving). Dream: Of work, outside in the grass. #14, 00. Dream: Of planting grass in the back yard. #14, 01. Dream: Of losing way and going into a hospital by mistake. Remembering how horrible the place smelled. To me it smelled like sick people. Could not get away from the sick smell. #14, 01. Dream: Of having five minutes to prepare a dance piece for a jury. We chose the second piece. We were unprepared. It was 6pm, and the jury noticed we were unprepared. I felt we were slower than normal, and we were not able to catch up to time. We were slower, but I was calm about it. #14, 03. Dream: I dreamt that my toes fell off, I put them back on. I was worried that my lover from a long time ago would notice that they were off. #14, 09. Dream: I was part of a royal family that was being threatened by a regime, and we were being stalked. I knew I would die and was trying to escape, but felt calm through the whole thing. #14, 09. Dreams: Of black and white cartoon caricatures of barbers. The only one I remember is of a barber cutting off a weight lifter’s curly ponytail. #15, 00. Dream: Of running through a construction site with my dog, who has been dead for ten years. I was afraid she would not notice the holes in the construction platform. I yelled at her, she stopped short of one hole, which scared me. A construction worker, who thought she was chasing him, came over and put his fist up to her head to show her who was the boss. She licked his hand and his face, and the tension was broken. #15, 01. Dreams: Of cleaning. #15, 03. Dream: Of living in a very cold place. Everything was walls of ice and snow. Brother living in deep, cavernous ice-cave. Dark and blue. #15, 04. Dream: Trying to write a story about an experience where the land is full of snow. All I could write is, “everything was very white”. #15, 11. Dream: Of preparing for a long trip with old neighbors. Confusion and last minute disorganized chaos. Frustrated feeling. We pack everything into vehicles to move, but never went anywhere. Feeling uptight. #16, 03. Dream: Of being back at my old house which had been sold. It was dusty and in disrepair, vacant. I looked around outside and found a candle with a Chinese face, the kind my ex-wife would like. #16, 22. Dream: (Twice, and never had before). Of plants dug up out of a pond suspended in mid-air, all in a row, and all muddy. The first dream, the plants were diagonal in front of me, and in the second, the plants switched places. #17, 00. Dream: An old boyfriend kissed me, and put a note in my right back pocket. Later, I opened the note and it read “This family cannot help me with my music.” I was disappointed. #17, 01. Dream: (Twice, and never had before.) I was walking behind old museums. Someone was walking behind me. He was in uniform. At first I didn’t trust that he was a cop, but he said something and I knew he was OK. There was an old woman washing a stone floor with a bucket of water and a brush. The second dream was of same old woman scrubbing floor. I had been on a trip, and at the end of the trip, I was on the second floor, looking down to the first floor, saying goodbye to the other people who had gone on the same trip with them. I felt sad, but I was glad I didn’t have to be with then anymore. #17, 02. Dream: Other students sitting outside cafe. Cobblestone ground. We won a contest which had to do with finding a remedy. I was very excited we won. #17, 02. Dream: Of handbuilt geometric helicopter. #17, 03. Dream: Of being in charge of the fair. The old fair president made a verbal pass at me. #17, 03. Dream: Of tunnels, on a hiking trail. On my belly going through tunnels. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to breathe. Steep hill of birch steps and a big spike hammered into the end of each step. It was too steep and scary. I felt like crying, I was so scared. A friendly old guy came with a tractor and said, “That was the wrong way to go, the other way was much easier”. I went in a building with some people, they left and I realised some of the doors were still open. Only one needed to be locked. I went over to it and turned the handle to lock it, and the old guy said, “Yes, just keep turning the knob and it will lock, and I did.” #17, 04. Dream: There were three moons in the sky. Two on my right, they were orange. One was a half-moon, one was a full moon, and to my left was an orange crescent moon. #17, 05. Dream: A German Shepherd dog came after me with buttons sewn on for eyes. I was slightly scared until I saw the buttons. #!7, 05. Dream: We had to live like old-fashioned people for an assignment. One man and a few women. We were dressed in long, old-fashioned dresses, and had to get a job for 5c a day. We went to a house to live that was very sunny and clean. #17, 05. Dream: Went into the office where I worked and asked my son to erase the computer of the woman I worked with. We took her name off the desk, which was like a bumper sticker. I was worried that we might get caught. I didn’t want to work there anymore. #17, 07. Dream: Mother duck or goose was with her young. One young one got bigger and showed its tail at me to scare me away. Another duck did it, but looked different. The mother duck started to look like a wild cat. It started after me, I threw water at it and hit its face. It kept coming and I got a needle in my lower leg. #17, 12. Dream: A female neighbor heard our family was in trouble and sent a clown who arrived in a volkswagen. #17, 12. Dream: Eating bread dipped in maple syrup, too sweet. #17, 12. Dream: Of alligator. #17, 21. Dream: About loved ones. #18, 13. Dream: Butterfly? Of wings and butterfly? #19, 02. MIND: "Feels like a blanket has covered the day. Muffled sensation, sound, light-everything far away. I feel cut off, inward, trapped, disassociated. I felt like I was under water. It was distressing, I was inward focused. The disassociated feeling reminds me of my late teens, -- It would paralyze me. One hour later, I went outside and everything went away. The headache, the muffled feeling subsided quickly." #1, 00. Heightened sense of smell, faint odors, cigarette ash, damp denhim, seem offensive. #1, 00. Remember being acutely aware as I was falling asleep of the smell of clean sheets- chlorox smell. #1, 02. Feeling flat, disconnected. Old, indescribable feeling- lack of power? #1. 01. "Feeling gloomy, cut off, depressed. Wanting to avoid people all day. Thinking-What if I had a party and nobody came? Feels like you don't know if you are ever going to feel like yourself again, wondering if this is what depression feels like? Felt withdrawn, flat, didn't want contact with others- feel socially awkward. Sometimes I feel like this in the winter ." #1, 02. Trying to work, only wanted to lie down. Not tired, but wanting to switch off- cut out. Lay on sofa and fell asleep, a one hour nap. I only nap when I'm depressed, stuck, it's like a lack of power. #1, 02. What that "underwater" feeling represents is a "cut-offness". A friend kept asking me yesterday if I was OK. I guess I was acting disconnected. #1, 03. Feel normal and productive. #1, 03, 04. Started good, but then started to feel same aversion to contact with people, though not depressed."I would have crawled into my little hole, but an old friend came and we went out." #1, 05. Serious problem accessing words and names. #1, 05. Still sense of wanting to avoid people. Felt cut off, down and overwhelmingly tired. #1, 06. Feel disconnected again. "This napping unusual. Usually only nap when really down. It's funny, this up and down thing." #1, 06. Overwhelmingly tired, even worse after a snack. #1, 06. In the evening, stomach feels painfully full after eating a meal. #1, 06. Woke up feeling fine, want to be outside. #1, 07. I realise I have been craving high protein food- fish. Also craving the ocean and salt air. I am hungry a lot, but whatever I eat doesn't satisfy. And even a little bit of food gives me a stomach ache in the pit. #1, 08. Repeat of the "underwater blanket" sensation like on Day 00. The sound in my ears gets muffled. It's like feeling in your ears and head when you go under water, muffled and isolating. The sounds from the outside are muffled, and the sound in your head is amplified. It's a feeling that lasted for five minutes. Either driven to be very isolated, or need to be out with a lot of people. It's the two extremes. #1, 09. I think I know what the remedy is. One of those creatures that has a shell, like a sea turtle, sea snail, that can retreat into them. But I have this strong sense of the sea. #1, 12. Idea of milk or yoghurt is repellent. Can only think of eating fruit. #1, 13. "I write down my dream." The greatest recall she's ever had of any dream in her life. "I wake up in a dark place, in a dark mood. I feel very dark, though it's light outside. I feel like deep night, cold (though not temperature-wise), as if in an uninviting, stony world." #1, 15. "I think it's goldfish, a fish in a bowl. I realize that it's my relationship to my window. When it's cool outside and I shut the window, I hate it. The glass is separating me from --, I can't define it. I keep thinking of a feeling I had at the film festival about a movie called "Help, I'm a Fish!", about kids who have a potion to turn themselves into fish. During that film, I felt uncomfortable with my breathing. Since the remedy, I'm more aware of how shallow my breathing has been. It's almost like- how do you breathe, what is the mechanism?" And then the window washer showed up, washed my windows, and asked me out on a date! #1, 15. Arrives in London, a fish tank right in the middle of the airport! Ceramic seahorse at my mother's front door in England! Seahorse wallpaper in my mother's bathroom! Yo! #1, 21. When I was told the remedy, "Of course, not surprised, explains why I have been desperately wanting to go and visit the seahorse at the project nearby. Really wanted to see it before I went away. #1, 21. Feeling as if intoxicated- almost as if I'd had two cocktails. #2, 00. Last night, after taking the rx, I had a sense of mild euphoria. #2, 01. Sensation of well being. #2 (throughout proving) Today, I feel heavy, with a dark face. #2, 01. I am playfully imagining myself in the wet grass, under a bush, on this rainy day-as a racoon. #2, 01 Generally, I feel that the rx is helping me, as if it were prescribed for me. The "haircut" and my dreams make me realize issues of independence. All my life, I've wanted to win the approval of others, and I'm quite good at it. The rx is giving me the freedom to go to that place where I don't really care what others think of me. "Independence" is a word that has come to the fore, - and in my mind's eye, I see myself as bald and re-invented. I have been, for a number of months, going through a mourning for the fact that I'm not good looking, that I'm fat, that I have no training for anything except publicity, etc. Now I am entertaining the fantasy of embarking on something new-- singing? comedy? Entrepreneurship of some kind? #2, 05. I am liking my bald head very much. I feel comfortable. Some people who know me have a strong reaction, but I don't care. #2, 07. Yesterday was charmed. The weather was lovely. The birds were singing outside of my apartment, along with songs from Flower Drum Song. #2,07. The ugliness of the world upsets me. Engaging with the world and others is fraught with peril. #2,10. I have the feeling that I can create the day my way, and not be susceptible to client neediness. I'll just keep the answering machine on and not listen until I'm ready. #2, 11. I'm generally functioning better- less resistance to work, less panic and "pit of fear " in my stomach. #2, 028. I'm literally "seeing" things- like a rain of gold dust near my little potted tree and also an intricate raised design on my wall as I lay in bed. Both times I blinked over and over, as if it couldn't be true. #2, 028 Desire to clean #3, 00. Felt like weeping when walking; unusual sadness #3, 01 Felt "hyper": need to accomplish things; agitated; uneasy #3, 02 Homesickness #3, 14 Delusions: sees apparitions #3 Irritability. #4, 00 (immediately after remedy) Company, aversion. #4, 00 Talk, aversion. #4, 00, 04 Lying on bed with arms crossed like a dead person or a bat. #4, 00, 01, 02, etc Yelled at mother and apologized the next day. #4, 03 Memory, weak, for names, for what I was going to say. #4, 04 "Bad day: not even I love myself." #4, 04 Fear of being alone. #4, 12 Feels as if in an equilibrium. My mood is very even. I feel very relaxed, almost indolent. I don't feel like doing much, enjoying it, no guilt. Not feeling flustered by anything at all. #5, 04. Mild euphoria. A feeling of all's right with the world....long may it last! #5, 07. Feeling depressed. "I don't want to be bothered where people are concerned. It's a chore to talk to people. I just want to be on my own." #5, 15 Throughout the proving, I thought a lot more than usual about my parents who are both dead, and had feelings of deep sadness. The dreams reflect this, in that I felt helpless, alone in several, and paralyzed and unable to breathe in another. #5, 16. Sad and depressed. #7, 03, 04, 07, 08. Being a little forgetful, blanking on names. #7,06. Not been dreaming as vividly as I normally do. #7, 08. Felt indifferent. "Knocked out, stoned". #7, 09. Giggling a lot. In great spirits (supervisor says)#8, 01. Feeling energized and in a good mood. #8, 01. Not tired at all, could have worked all night #8, 01. Couldn't sleep, went to bed at 1.30 am, couldn't fall asleep. #8,01. Woke up at 7am., felt awake immediately and not tired. I feel like I'm under the influence of a stimulant. #8, 02. Felt focused, but time is passing too fast. #8, 02. A stranger said "You look so sad". She replied "I don't feel sad". #8, 04. Day 00 seems like an eternity away. #8, 04. "One more thing, one more thing, to do...before I can collapse". #8, 04. I notice that I make a lot of writing mistakes. Feels like my pen has a mind of its own. #8, 09. 7.45 am: Leave my house for an allopathic conference. Couldn't find a parking space, and I had to pee. I don't want to be late. Finally I park. The urge to urinate is greater and now I feel the need to pass stool. I can barely walk. Did not get to the bathroom in time. Passed soft, mushy stool in panties. Luckily the bathroom is empty so I can wash my underwear. Now, I feel quite embarrassed and consider going home, but I am wearing a long dress so I don't think anyone will realize that I am "sans culottes". I decide to stay. I feel quite comfortable and focused all day. Realization that people cannot see what is underneath your clothes. It's a big joke. At every break, I had to urinate with urgency, large volume. I couldn't wait to return home to take a shower. Stopped by the supermarket to buy milk. I'd never been in the supermarket without panties. I was giggling. That's what you call having a "shitty" day! #8, 07. I feel a bit discouraged and depressed. #8, 19. Delusion: rx smelled like iron. #9, 00. Irritability "pissy" alternating with underlying calm. #9, 02. Loneliness, calmness and relaxed. #9, 04. A sense of calm. #10, 01 Calm and serene all day. Got irritated at boyfriend who asked me to turn off light. Then initiated love making- second time today. #10, 01. Bought a raffle ticket to swim with dolphins in Hawaii. She guesses it must be an ocean rx, a sea-creature. Wearing blue and green today.#10, 02. Recording symptoms seems like a lot of effort, a waste of time. Nothing much is happening. I feel like crying and playing hookey from school. I went to dinner and a movie. I am tired of being responsible and serious. #10, 03. Woke up crying, remembering mother's death. My boyfriend held me as I sobbed through the pain and story of those days. I cried for nearly an hour. I thought most of that grief had been cleared so was very surprised at the intensity of it. We made love, I needed that connection. #10, 04. Feels raw, exposed and vulnerable on the edge of tears. #10, 04. Feeling sad, wish I could cancel tomorrow's picnic. #10, 06. Sadness, despair, "Why bother, this is too much trouble". These thoughts scare me. They are "give-up/don't care" thoughts. #10, 08. Suicidal thoughts. #10, 09. I am not calling my proving supervisor on a regular basis. It's too personal and I want to censor stuff. A reluctance to share information or make the effort to call. Feel a distance with boyfriend. Things getting too real, too hard. He's expecting me to do things, be around his kids more. I value my time and independence. The four of us around the dinner table as a family doesn't sit well with me. #10, 15. I feel the rx has turned me upside down. I am no longer calm. I have been angry and depressed. The last two days I have been hiding in my cave, avoiding everyone. I feel exposed. #10, 35. Memory loss. (RS)#10. Feeling of steady peace. A spiritual calmness and serenity. "I can handle it all."#11, 00. Feeling of lightness. #11, 00. "I felt on a spiritual high". Feeling of exhilaration lasted the whole day. High energy despite little sleep from previous night. No need for rest.#11, 01. Losing cell phone #12, 02, 03, 05 (Supervisor also lost cell phone.) Awkwardness #12, 06. Noticed an intensification of synchronicity throughout proving. #12, 10. Overall experience positive. I tend to see more spiritual experiences. I felt very much in my own power and sense of expanded capacities and creativity. #12, 25. Deep inside, I have a feeling of joy, gratitude and peace. #12, 35. A feeling of being blissed out and lighthearted. Feel like connecting with people. #13, 00. When driving in the morning noticed perception seemed distorted, went into a minor panic. But I know myself and I can easily talk myself into strange states, so I don't think this was too unusual. A sense of calm and a desire to be neat and organized. A feeling of well being. #13, 00. Found myself attracted to a tropical print dress that a woman was wearing in a supermarket. I speak about my favorite colors- red and blue. #13,00. Started to feel sort of low, I had been feeling light-hearted earlier. Wanting to make a meaningful connection. I felt a little sad and discouraged. #13,00. I felt the rx was a
grasshopper. An instant later, I felt it was a dragonfly.
While driving to work, felt calm but dissociated from the masses of the people. I did not feel any longing to relate to anyone. #13, 02. Relaxed and happy, with good energy. Enjoying my solitude. Makes me appreciate the peacefulness of my life. #13, 02. I noticed I am feeling more deeply empathetic. #13, 03. Thinking of colors, red and blue (RS)#13, 04. Delusions: My left arm looks distorted, very long and very skinny- like a Goya painting. #13. 05. Feeling irritable, and also tired. #13, 05. Enjoyed food on a sensual level. #13, 05. Felt lethargic all day, indolence and desire to be alone. #13, 05. Struck by the sight of a pubescent girl playing outside with younger children. "I thought about how she was caught between ages, her body hinting of things to come, but her spirit still feeling the sheer joy of childs' play. I became very philosophical, and thought how it is the same with menopause, but in reverse. There are unspoken yearnings, but it seems they are on a more spiritual level. That is how I feel today- transitional, caught between two worlds, not old enough, not young enough, the adolescence of old age perhaps?" #13, 05 Sensitive to noise. #13, 05. Irritable again. #13, 06. Have the line "She's Little and She Loves Me", from the song Hummingbird, playing over and over in my brain. #13, 06. My cat is really annoying me. (NS) #13, 06. For the past couple of weeks he has been meowing constantly. A demanding miserable meow. He was starting to drive me crazy. I didn't even want to be around him. This is very unusual for me. I normally love it when he cuddles up in my lap, but for the past couple of weeks, I didn't really even want him near me. #13, 15. "With my attraction
to fruit and flowers and the color red, I am beginning
to feel like my dragonfly prediction was wrong and this
remedy is hummingbird." I turned on my TV for the first time in two months. Just sat there and ate like a zombie. #13, 07. Late for work, feeling rotten- "I just feel disconnected and out of sorts." #13, 08. Read in a book "The Power of Now"- "the inability to feel this connectedness gives rise to the illusion of separation, from yourself and from the world around you. You then perceive yourself, consciously or unconsciously, as an isolated fragment." I have read these words before but they held so much meaning for me today, "isolated fragment". I don't feel like re-reading my notes, but it seems like I have been bouncing back and forth between feeling really high and really low, but the underlying theme is the search for connectedness. #13, 08. Laughing in sleep. #13, 10. The color sage green is very important in my life right now. #13, 12. Irritable, sensitive to noise. #13, 15. Strong desire for spiritual connection #13. (RS) Strong empathetic feelings #13. (RS) Increased sensitivities #13. (RS) Talkative, wants to be around people. #14, 00. Sensitive to smells. #14, 00. Biting fingers, sucking on ends of index and ring fingers. #14, 00. Huge sense of calm, no feeling of usual tension in a group. Feeling of sitting still for one or two minutes without movement, and then suddenly moving. #14, 01. Desire to be barefoot, normally likes to wear closed-toed shoes. #14, 02. Felt calm and lots of energy. #14, 04.Calm feeling receded into background, anxiety, conversational noise. Impatience.#14, 05. Anxiety is more prominent. #14, 06. Not speaking or socializing at a baby shower. I sat in one place for three and a half hours, and did not move. Others asked me if I was OK. Not much seemed to bother me and the time went by quickly. #14, 07. Feeling that I missed the remedy. Those first few days seemed to flow along very easily, calmly and without effort. #14, 13. Notices around today, that she had been drinking more, trying to get back to the calm state she had while she was on the rx. "I thought that if I could just sleep and not wake up, I could possible duplicate the sense of calm I felt during the first few days of the remedy. It took me, this feeling, as far as to think that this could mean death, although it was not death in the sense of suicide, for I quickly realized that to not wake up would mean loss of my life as I know it, and that I have a son, responsibilities too." #14, 24. I felt as if I was in a sense hovering above, looking at myself. I sat with my symptoms and almost found some of it amusing because of the slow, calm easy way that they crept into my body and left. Many misspelled words, misspelled in an embarrassing way. #14, (RS). A little anxiety, sensation as if intoxicated or smoking pot. #15, 00. Difficult concentration, feels spacey #15, 00. A kind of "in the moment" slowness. Sensation of being in slow motion. Muscles and brain are too relaxed. Desire to lie down. #15, 00. Sitting still and spacing out. #15, 00. Desire to sleep. #15, 00. Short sleep, woke refreshed. #15, 01. Typing letters incorrectly. #15, 01. Desire to live in the country. #15, 02. Life is pointless, we just plod along. #15, 04, 11. Feeling less rushed than usual, more relaxed. #15, 05. Oversensitive to smell. #15, 08. Aversion to meat. Can't
bear the thought of eating the left-over pork. Obsessed with smell of rotten meat in kitchen. #15, 08. Indolence. #15, 10. Claustrophobic, hot and nauseated at restaurant, < smell, felt like needed to vomit. > Cooler air, cold wind, felt anxious, about to throw up. #15, 12. Incredibly surprised and pleased to be able to give a speech in public. Nearly lost nerve, thought voice would be strangulated and would cry, but didn't (very unusual, would normally cry in this situation).#15, 12. Spacy, light-headed feeling, on and off all morning. #16, 01. Dwelling on relationship with ex-wife, decided it's not anger I feel, but indifference. #16, 02. Detached. #16, 02. "I feel very intruded upon by ex-wife. I think she is not a very good person. I feel resentful. I wish she would just disappear- she's just got to go. It's like looking at an object in your backpack on a long trip, and saying- oh, it's just extra weight, get rid of it". #16, 05. Feel that my son's coach is oppressive and authoritarian. "He's got to let up. #16. 05. Stamina is back now, when he took the remedy he fatigued easily. #16, 08. Disappointed that proving is not more exciting. #16, 11. Disappointment in people. #16, 12. Brooding over loss of son who is moving. I feel as if he were lost to me, as if he were dead. Lying in bed in despair, weeping. Insomnia, brooding, better with the fan on- it stopped the thoughts, I was able to fall asleep. #16, 016. Strong emotions alternating with indifference. #16. (general theme). Isolation- "I want to talk to somebody. I feel like a big wall has come down in front of | ||
